


Loss

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 20:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6581164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first 48 hours were all about tears and comfort. Leo held her, assured her that everything would be alright. Then he went into a self-imposed exile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loss

CJ opened her eyes with reluctance. She felt the hand caress her face and she cringed. It was over; she knew that the baby was gone. Opening her mouth to speak her tongue felt like sandpaper. Her protests would go unspoken so she turned her face away from the hand.

“CJ?”

She shook her head as the tears came. This was her fault; she could not look at him. A choked sob came out of her throat and an attempt to curl herself in a ball was unsuccessful. She was so battered…what had they done to her? Both CJ’s hands instinctively went to her now empty womb. He sobbed now, calling her name again.

“Please, look at me baby.”

She shook her head and he turned and walked away. CJ finally looked at his back; watched his shoulders shake as the emotions overtook him. This was her fault. There was a silence in the room and CJ wanted to scream to pierce it. Instead, Leo took a tray and sent it crashing into the door, doing it for her. The silence afterward seemed heavier.

“Leo.” Her voice was strangled.

He turned to her; CJ felt like she wanted to disappear. The pain on his face, in his eyes, was a pain she had never seen before. They had been through so much pain, but this face was new to her. Leo rushed to her, pulling her into his arms. Sobbing, CJ clung to him.

“My fault.” She muttered. “This is my fault.”

He held her tighter, saying nothing but shaking his head. They stayed that way for a while, until Leo was too weak to hold her up anymore. CJ rested on the pillows and once again looked at her husband’s back. She knew him long enough to know he was chastising himself for not being strong in front of her. When he came back, it was with a cup of water and a straw, which she drank as if she had just survived a desert trek. No, she survived worse…the baby was dead.

“Leo, I am so sorry. I’m sorry.” She said when her voice returned.

“Please don’t.” he pleaded.

CJ closed her eyes. Leo smoothed her hair back.

“You should rest…I need to take a walk.”

“Where are you going?” she was so tired, her body so weary.

“Just a walk. Relax CJ.”

“Leo…” she was already drifting off.

“I’m just going to take a walk. I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.”

CJ couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore, the blackness beckoned her and she wanted to be there.

***

When CJ opened her eyes again there was a lamp on in the room. Leo wasn’t there but Abbey Bartlet was. CJ looked at her with hooded blue eyes. Her attempt to sit up was not met with as much difficulty. How much time has passed? To her it felt like days. Maybe not days since she cried with Leo but days since she had begun to bleed in her office. Oh God, there was a blood trail…

“Where is Leo?” she asked as Abbey held the cup of water to her lips.

“He wasn’t here when Charlie and I arrived. I sent him to search for him. Toby was here earlier but you never woke up.”

“How long…?”

“I’ve been here almost an hour.”

Tears sprang to CJ’s eyes. She thought she knew where Leo might be and that pain nearly made her scream. Abbey sensed her fear.

“There are 6 bars within a two block radius and Charlie is checking every one of them. Its happy hour, he could be gone a while.

Damn all these tears! CJ felt as if she would never stop crying. If Leo’s sobriety were broken she would never forgive herself. The door opened and Leo came in. CJ looked at him. He tried to smile at her but it did not quite work.

“Hello Abbey.” He said.

“Hi. I’m sor…”

He held up his hand. There would be no more apologies. His body language clearly stated that touching him was out of the question.

“Where were you?” CJ asked. She whispered it really.

“I went for a walk.” He replied.

He leaned against the wall, the normal Leo McGarry, hardnosed and unreadable. Was he really going to be that way with her? Abbey thought leaving was a good idea so she gathered her purse and jacket. She kissed CJ’s cheek.

“I’ll come back tomorrow before they let you go.” She said.

CJ nodded as Abbey walked out the door. Leo immediately softened, taking her place in the chair beside CJ’s bed. She reached out for him…he took her hand and held it to her face.

“Please, tell me where you were Leo? I know you couldn’t walk that far.”

His smile was more visible now.

“The chapel. I needed solitude; I needed comfort.”

She should be comforting him. He saw it in her eyes.

“Stop it. You put too much on yourself already CJ. I’m OK.”

It was a lie, and he didn’t like saying it but now was not the time. She sat quietly for a while, warmed by the feel of her hand on his.

“What happened?” she finally asked. “Just tell me and get it over with.”

“He said a late term miscarriage. He said there was no real explanation for it.”

“No explanation? We can put a man in space but no one can tell me why my baby died.”

“Calm down. Your blood pressure was high and the doctor thought your pulse was too quick.”

“don’t talk to me like Marcus Welby.” She said, though there as no anger in her voice. “Talk to me like my husband.”

Leo took a deep breath.

“We don’t know what happened. They would tell us if they could.” He said.

“Did I…?”

“This is not your fault CJ; get that out of your head. Things like this happen, they just happen, and you move on.”

CJ nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. She turned my head away from Leo and he brushed hair from her cheek.

“I’m sorry baby.” He whispered.

“So am I.”

***

The doctors advised CJ that she should stay home for a week and rest. They told her that she would be able to get pregnant again, which she definitely did not want to hear, but that she’d lost some blood and needed to get her strength back before jumping full throttle into the job of White House Press Secretary. She nodded, telling them that she would do everything they told her. The President did not give her much choice…he banned her for the week. He went so far as to take her from the security sheet for the week.

“I do wish I could stay with you.” Leo said tying his tie. “I have been so busy with the budget.”

It was the fourth day…if CJ stayed in bed one more day she would explode. She looked at him.

“The semi-burnt toast and orange juice was a touching gesture.” She said as she looked through the New York Times.

“Thank you.”

He kissed her lips softly.

“If you need anything, please call. Margaret will get me.”

“I’m OK Leo, really. I’m not staying in this bed all day.”

“You lost a lot of blood. I think…”

“I just can't. I feel like an invalid, Cousin Clara in Heidi or something. I won't overdue it, I promise.”

He nodded, knowing confinement was not her thing.

“Please don’t overdue it.” He said before walking out. “I’ll call you when I get a few minutes.”

“I love you.” She said to his back.

CJ waited a half hour before getting up. She took a quick shower and took the breakfast dishes downstairs. Then she went into the den. Staring her in the face was a stack of baby books and magazines. She gathered them in a trash bag, placing them in the bottom in the closet. She was tired after that, she lay on the couch. Today was not going to be another day of napping and channel flipping. CJ knew she had to rest but she felt like a trapped animal. Her body was still weak, even she could admit that she was not ready to stand at the podium and do press briefings. Still, something had to give.

To add to the stress of it, Leo hardly looked her in the eye since she came home from the hospital. The first 48 hours were all about tears and comfort. Leo held her; assured her that everything would be alright. Then he went into a self-imposed exile. He never touched her. He worked late and blamed meetings. The spin boys came by in the past three days, both together and separately, and CJ felt she had seem more affection than from her husband. Josh, Toby, and Sam did not treat her like a chipped piece of china…well Sam did but he blushed and apologized when she made fun of him.

Her baby was dead, and though her mourning period was far from over, CJ was CJ. She could not, would not dwell on her loss. She was still alive; Leo was still with her…they made it through another fire slightly damaged but unscathed. Now if he would just open up and tell her what he felt. The phone rang; she reached across the coffee table to answer it.

“CJ McGarry’s…I’m sorry, hello.”

“I wanted to call and see how you were.”

It was Toby.

“Day four. I’m still tired but I need to get out of this house.”

“Don't overdue it.” He said.

“I know, I know. Anything interesting happening?”

“Ainsley Hayes is still the top story. She probably will be for a while. I’m drafting the President’s Notre Dame commencement speech. Oh, Mallory punched Sam yesterday.”

CJ smiled.

“How is Leo?” she asked.

“I don’t know. He is acting normal around us. He went to see Richardson on the Hill this morning.”

“He can't look at me Toby.”

“This is not your fault.” His voice was firm.

“Then whose fault is it?”

“No one’s. it is just a tragedy, and unfortunately there will be more. I and just glad that you are alright.”

CJ was quiet for a while.

“I am worried about him.” She said.

“Tell him. Don’t stop talking; that is when it gets bad.”

“I know…I don’t know what to say. He didn’t tell me that he loved me this morning.”

“Don't stop talking.” Toby repeated, not sure how to register the information she gave him.

“Do you think he blames me Toby?” she asked.

“You know I cannot even pretend to assume to know what Leo is thinking. When things like this happen rational thoughts aren’t usually foremost in our minds.”

That sounded like a yes to CJ. She stifled a sob.

“I have to take a nap.” She whispered.

“Yeah. I just wanted to call.”

“Will you have dinner with me on Sunday?” she asked.

“Yeah. Are you going to be strong enough?”

“Yeah. See you later Tobus.”

“Bye.”

***

CJ pretended to be asleep when Leo came in that night. A quick look at the clock said it was 12:15. what could he possibly do at the White House that late? Had he been avoiding coming home? When he climbed into bed, with his back to her, CJ turned around and wrapped her arms around him. Leo stiffened, and that caught her off guard.

“Are you alright?” she asked in a mock drowsy voice.

“Yeah. Go back to sleep.”

“Hold me Leo.”

“I’m really tired.” he replied.

Tired? He was too tired to hold her. What was happening between them?

“You're tired.” She said. Her tone said the conversation would not end well.

“I have been really busy at the office CJ. Its after midnight and all I want to do is sleep. I am sorry that I woke you.”

“Fine.”

They slept back to back for the first time since they shared a bed. CJ cried silent tears and Leo barely slept. It was not a good night at all.

“We have to talk.” CJ said the next morning when Leo came out of the shower.

It was six fifteen, pouring outside, and she was already dressed in sweats.

“I will try my best to get home early tonight.” He replied, going to his chest of drawers.

“Do not placate me Leo McGarry. Talk to me.”

He sighed.

“I have a lot on my plate today. We have to do this when I get home tonight.”

“What, at midnight? When you claim to be tired from countless meetings and saving the world before bedtime.”

Leo dropped his towel and pulled up his boxers. He put the damp towel on the back of the bathroom door.

“I already said that I would come home early tonight CJ. We will talk then.”

“And I say you're lying. Do you realize that you don’t even look me in the eye anymore? You look right through me, if you look at me at all.”

“That is not true!” he raised his voice.

“It is and you know it. Look at me; I am your wife. I had a miscarriage, and I am sorry.”

“Stop apologizing to me.” Leo said.

“I need to know how you feel Leo. I need to know that I am not damaged goods to you…you wouldn’t even hold me last night.”

“I was tired.” He muttered.

Tears welled in CJ’s eyes.

“Tired.” She spat the word back at him. “You have not touched me since I came home from the hospital. We don’t talk and it bothers me.”

“I have to go to work.”

Leo walked past her and into the closet.

“How long are you going to do this?” she asked. “Are we going to wake up one morning, realize a year has gone by, and we don’t even speak to each other? Will we quietly divorce when Bartlet makes his reelection bid?”

“You are overreacting.” Leo said from the closet. “I have just been busy.”

“I am in pain and the ails of the country can't wait?”

He came out of closet and looked at her. She stood tall but her skin was so pale…she was far from well. Tears glistened in her eyes and Leo’s ache to hold her was almost palpable. He clinched his hands into fists…she was right; he did not want to touch her.

“You need to lie down and rest. We can talk about this later.” He said.

“If you leave, if you walk out on me when I need you Leo, then there is nothing else to talk about.”

He sighed, buttoning his shirt and knotting his tie.

“Do you really want to do this now?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“See, that is the problem; you never listen. I say later, you say now. The doctors say rest and you run around like fucking Superwoman. You ignore it when you don’t feel good until you collapse.”

“You do the same thing!” CJ exclaimed.

“I wasn’t pregnant with our child!” he shouted just as loud. “You want to know how I feel CJ that is how I feel.”

“You blame me. You blame me for the baby!”

“I never said that.”

“You just said it. All that about it not being my fault and about it just happening was bullshit. It was my fault; you think it was my fault.”

“Stop it! You are being irrational.”

“Maybe it is all the hormones still coursing through my veins.” She said in a sour tone. “The truth is out now Leo.”

“That is not the truth.” He said.

“I killed the baby…just say it!”

“Stop it!”

“Say it Leo. You're feeling it!”

“Stop it!”

“Tell me the truth!” she screamed.

“It is not your fault goddammit! You can be the world’s most irrational, annoying woman but it not your fault!”

He was breathing hard and she was crying. She sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him. When she cried Leo could always imagine what she looked like as a little girl. He knew their little girl would have the same face.

“This is going to tear us apart.” CJ sobbed. “I don’t want it to do that.”

“Neither do I.” he said.

“I need you to talk to me.”

“I have to go to work. Please lets do this later.”

CJ curled up on the bed, her back to him. He attempted to touch her for the first time in days.

“Don’t touch me! Get the hell out!”

Knowing there was nothing else for him to do; Leo took his jacket and walked out of the room.

***

The President of the United States walked into Leo’s office early the next afternoon. Leo stood from his desk, but the President waved him to sit.

“Is there something wrong Sir?” Leo asked.

“I did not come in here as the President of the United States; I came in here as Jed Bartlet.”

“OK sir.”

“Leo.” His tone was exasperated.

“I’m sorry. Is something wrong?”

Jed Bartlet sat in one of the plush chairs and Leo knew to join him. He handed Leo a cigarette and Leo managed to smile.

“We are going to smoke a cigarette and talk like we used to.” Jed said.

“The First Lady will have both of our heads.” Leo replied.

“What she does not know won't hurt us. She’s in Philadelphia.”

“Ah.”

The President lit both cigarettes and the men inhaled.

“How is CJ?” he asked.

“OK.”

“That is not an answer.”

“What do you want me to say Sir?” Leo asked.

“Leo! I want to talk to my friend Leo McGarry, not my Chief of Staff. How is CJ?”

“I don’t know. We had a fight this morning. She thinks I blame her for this.”

“Do you?” Jed asked.

Leo looked at him with wide hazel eyes.

“It is nobody’s fault.” He said.

“Spoken like a true politician.”

“I do not want to have this conversation.”

“We are having it. Now, I am talking to you like my Chief of Staff.”

“Our baby is dead…how can I not want to blame someone?”

“Do you blame CJ?”

“I don’t know. She was carrying him…supposed to take care of him.”

Leo’s voice cracked. He held back the tide of emotion with a deep inhale of his cigarette.

“You know she did her best.” Jed said.

“Then why is he dead?”

“Sometimes God sees fit…”

“I don’t want to talk about God. Where was he when my wife was bleeding on the floor?”

“Step 3.” Jed said.

Leo nodded.

“CJ is in a lot of pain Jed, and I have no idea how to comfort her.”

“She needs more than hugs.” He said.

“She wants me to talk to her but I don’t know what to say.”

Leo put out his cigarette. The President gave him the rest of his. The look he got from Leo was one of immense gratitude.

“I just want her to be alright. She should not blame herself for this. The problem is that when there is no one to blame for something how do you get past it. This is like Rosslyn all over again.”

The President nodded.

“Go to her Leo. Sometimes it is not about words. CJ loves you so much…you know that. This is the time when you need each other the most.”

“We’ve been through too much.” Leo said. “I am starting to think that our being happy is not in the cards.”

“That’s bull and you know it. I see the way that woman looks at you. Hell, I see how you look at her. You are going to get through this.”

“I can't fix it sir.”

“You can. Just not with negotiations, deals, and politic handholding. She reached out for you; she is ready Leo.”

The President stood up.

“Go home Leo.” He said.

“Its only one thirty.”

“I am speaking as the President of the United States now. I want you out the door in twenty minutes or the Secret Service will escort you out. Your feet may touch the ground once.”

Leo smiled.

“Ever thought about what would happen if you used your powers for good?” Leo asked.

“Nah, not really.”

Jed patted him on the back and walked to the door.

“Jed, thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

***

When Leo arrived home that rainy afternoon CJ was not there. He called around but no one had seen her. His heart beat wildly in his chest as crazy scenarios went through his head. He poured himself a glass of water and decided to wait. He was not good at waiting. Three hours later she came through the back door, talking on her cell phone.

“I’m home now. I will talk to you soon…I love you too.”

“Where have you been?” Leo asked, coming into the kitchen as she hung up.

CJ clutched her chest.

“You scared me.” The ice came back. “What are you doing here anyway?” she looked at her watch. “Its only five.”

“The President sent me home three hours ago.”

“Oh. Well, I went out. The stale air was making me sick.”

“Where did you go?” he asked.

CJ held up her Ann Taylor bags.

“Shopping; I’ll return your platinum card later. I think I need to take a nap.”

She started for the stairs.

“I was hoping we could talk.” He said to her back.

“I don’t want to talk.” She went upstairs.

Leo stood by the counter for a few minutes, trying to decide what course to take. He went upstairs to the bedroom. CJ was already undressed and lying in bed. Her eyes were closed.

“We don’t have to talk CJ.” He said. “Do you mind listening?”

“I don’t want to do that either.” She replied. “You have been telling me to rest, so I am resting Leo. I would like to rest alone.”

“Well, I am not leaving.”

“Fine…just be quiet.”

Leo lay down on the bed beside her. He slowly tangled his fingers in her hair.

“Don't do that Leo.” She said.

“You told me once that this helped you sleep.” He said.

“Please.”

“Shh…just relax baby.”

“You are going to make me cry you asshole.” She said through clenched teeth. “I don’t want to cry anymore.”

“I love you CJ.”

“Well, I am mad at you.” She replied.

“As well you should be.” Leo pulled her into his arms and she did not fight him.

CJ rested her head on his chest, rubbing his stomach.

“A very tragic thing happened to us Claudia Jean. It makes me angry and it makes me sad…looking for someone to blame. I would never blame you and I need you to understand that. We are going to get through this like we’ve gotten through so many other things. This is not going to tear us apart; I won't let it.”

“Hold me tighter.” CJ whispered.

Leo did as she asked. CJ kissed his neck.

“We are going to get through this.” CJ repeated. “I just had so many plans…”

“It was not meant to be right now.” Leo said. “We are going to have a houseful of beautiful children, as long as they look like you.”

CJ laughed.

“You're beautiful.” She replied.

“No comment.”

They didn’t talk for a while. Leo rubbed her back and CJ sighed. She felt so much better just being in his arms. It was cold and isolating without him; she hated the feeling.

“Why is it that all of these boulders keep falling in our path?” she asked.

“I don’t know, but it only reaffirms my love for you. I love you more than I did yesterday.”

“Really? Then I should really look forward to next Tuesday.” She said.

“Oh yeah.”

“I love you too Leo.”

Leo kissed her forehead, telling her to rest.

“It is going to be alright Claudia Jean.” He whispered as she fell asleep in his arms. “We are going to take care of each other and it is going to be alright.”

***


End file.
